


Lost

by Xorn



Series: Teamswapped [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, F/F, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Rebellion, Sadstuck, but don't worry, it gets happier.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-23
Updated: 2014-10-13
Packaged: 2018-02-18 10:31:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2345186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xorn/pseuds/Xorn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One sweep after the Alternian-Earth war began.<br/>It is the wriggling day of one Karkat Vantas. The day his blood must be tested by the empire. The day his secret comes out. The day he dies.</p><p> </p><p>  <span class="karkat">carcinoGeneticist [CG]</span><br/><span class="black"> opened memo "I'M SO COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY FUCKED" on board FRUITY ASSHOLE RUMPUS FEST.<br/><span class="karkat">CG:WELL.<br/><span class="karkat">CG: THE THRESHECUTIONERS ARE LANDING OUTSIDE MY HOUSE.<br/><span class="karkat">CG: AND I'M PRETTY FUCKING SURE THEY AREN'T JUST HERE TO ASK FOR FUCKING DIRECTIONS.<br/><span class="karkat">CG: SO YEAH. SECRET'S OUT OF THE BAG. I'M A FUCKING BLOOD MUTANT.</span></span></span></span></span></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Holy Fuckin' Shit (Prologue α)

**Author's Note:**

> Note: The ships in the tags are the relationships as they exist prior to the start of the work. They will not necessarily be the final result of things.
> 
> And yes John and Vriska are already in contact.  
> Alternia's first guardian is a little more active in this universe.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened memo "I'M SO COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY FUCKED" on board FRUITY ASSHOLE RUMPUS FEST.

CG:WELL.

CG: THE THRESHECUTIONERS ARE LANDING OUTSIDE MY HOUSE.

CG: AND I'M PRETTY FUCKING SURE THEY AREN'T JUST HERE TO ASK FOR FUCKING DIRECTIONS.

CG: SO YEAH. SECRET'S OUT OF THE BAG. I'M A FUCKING BLOOD MUTANT.

CG: MISTER CANDY FUCKING RED, THAT'S ME.

CG: OH GOD THEY'RE FIGHTING CRABDAD.

CG: SO I GUESS THESE WILL BE MY LAST WORDS

CG: WELL SHIT. IT'S BEEN... FUN, I GUESS?

CG: I'LL FUCKING MISS YOU GUYS.

CG: MAYBE I'LL GET A GHOST FORM LIKE ARADIA?

CG: I FUCKING DOUBT IT. NOT EXACTLY A PSIONIC.

CG: SOMEONE TAKE CARE OF GAMZEE FOR ME.

CG: GOD KNOWS HE'S GONNA NEED IT.

CG: TEREZI.

CG: I LOVE YOU.

CG: AND I'M SORRY

caligulasAquarium [CA] joined the memo at TIME: 08:00

CA: wwait, wwhat the fuck!?

CG: YEAH, I'M GONNA DESTROY MY COMPUTER NOW SO THEY DON'T FUCKING DECIDE TO TRACK YOU ASSHOLES DOWN.

CA: wwait, Kar-

carcinoGeniticist's [CG's]  husktop was slashed in two by a sickle!

CA: holy fuckin' shit.

 

* * *

 

caligulasAquarium [CA] opened memo "holy fuckin' shit" on board FRUITY ASSHOLE RUMPUS FEST.

CA: wwell, I'vve got some pretty important shit to notify everyone about, so I'll just wait till evveryone shows up.

CA: wwell?

CA: anyone?

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] joined the memo at 09:00

GA: Yes What Is It Eridan

GA: I Hope this Is Not Simply You Being Upset About Something Trivial Again

CA: listen, Kan, I only wwant to havve to say it once, so I'm gonna havve to ask you to wwait.

GA: I Did Not Respond To This In Order To Pander To Your Egotistical Needs Eridan

GA: If You Have Nothing Important To Say Please Stop Wasting My Time

GA: Now If You'll Excuse Me I Was Just On My Way Over To Karkat's

GA: Goodbye Eridan

CA: Kan, don't you fuckin' dare -

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has left the memo! 

CA: SHIT!!

gallowsCalibrator [GC] joined the memo at 09:05

GC: WH4T 4PP34RS TO B3 TH3 PROBL3M M1ST3R GR4P3 SOD4?

caligulasAquarium [CA] linked memo "I'M SO COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY FUCKED"

CA: I gotta go intercept Kan. make sure this reaches evveryone.

GC: 3R1D4N, 1T'S TH3 M1DDL3 OF TH3 D4Y. YOU'LL B3 B4K3D 4L1V3.

caligulasAquarium [CA] left the memo!

 


	2. An Interception (Chapter α1)

Kanaya walked across the barren Alternian desert, on her way to her Moirail's hive. To say that she was peeved would have been an understatement. She supposed she probably could have been less terse with Eridan, but she was already slightly mad at Karkat. He was deliberately trying to avoid her, and she was determined to find out why.  She scowled as she looked over their earlier conversation again.

* * *

 carcinoGenitologist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 07:00

CG: LOOK KANAYA, I KNOW YOU'RE HUNG UP ON MY FUCKING WRIGGLING DAY CELEBRATION.

CG: BUT IT REALLY ISN'T SUCH A GOOD IDEA.

CG: I'LL PROBABLY BE KIND OF BUSY TOMORROW.

GA: If You Have A Date With Terezi You Can Just Tell Me.

GA: I Will Not Be Upset.

CG: ...

CG: HOW THE HELL DID YOU KNOW?

GA: Karkat It Was Not That Hard To Guess.

GA: You Only Rarely Object To Me Coming Over.

GA: And Your Vague Description Of Being "Busy" Suggests Something You Find Embarassing.

GA: Really It Was Not That Hard To Figure Out.

CG: UM... YEAH...

CG: I'VE GOT TO GO GET READY... AND STUFF.

GA: Good Luck Karkat.

carcinoGenitologist [CG] is now an IDLE CHUMP!

* * *

But when Kanaya contacted Terezi to congradulate her on finally getting together with him, she claimed to know nothing about it. And so, after a brief conversation with Eridan, she set out for Karkat's Hive, her mood not at all helped by Eridan's histrionics over chat.

Kanaya was so deeply absorbed in thought that she didn't even notice the troll sneak up behind her until he knocked her unconscious.

* * *

Kanaya woke up with an aching head to the sound of an interstellar engine. She gazed up just in time to see a slightly outdated and banged-up scout ship soaring into the outer atmosphere. She heard a voice from deeper under the rocky shelf she was being shaded by. She felt a stabbing pain in her temples as his voice cut through her hazy thoughts.

"Alright, I think they're gone. Fuck that wwas scary!" 

Kanaya winced in pain as she sat up and stared with slightly blurry vision at the fishtroll.

"Eridan."

"Oh good, Kan, you're awwake. Noww wwe can-"

"Why Did You Knock Me Unconcious Eridan."

"Hey, I had a pretty good fuckin' reason-"

Kanaya snarled as she pulled out her lipstick.

"Of Course You Did."

"Wwoah, Kan, just hold up a sec-"

Kanaya revved her chainsaw.

"You Have Five Seconds To Give Me A Good Reason Why You Would Assault Me And Drag Me Under A Rock."

"Kan, listen, I wwasn't-"

"Five."

"C'mon Kan, gimme a cha-"

"Four"

"I wwasn't doing anything nuts wwhile you wwere unconcious!"

"Duly Noted. Three."

"Listen, it's about wwhat I wwas trying to-"

"Two."

"KAN, KAR IS FUCKING DEAD!!"

Kanaya had had it. He actually expected her to believe something like that? She was originally only going to scare him a bit, but to deliberately try to get at her through her Moirail?

She raised her chainsaw up in the air.

"One. I Think I Will Take Your Horns Off First."

"Kan, you saww that glubbin' ship! It was coming from Kar's house! They were fuckin' threshecutioners!"

"And What Kind Of Proof Could You Possibly Have Of This?"

Eridan thrust a PDA into her face.

"Read the fuckin' memo!"

Her eyes scanned the bottom few lines of the memo.

* * *

 twinArmageddons [TA]  is no longer an IDLE CHUMP!

TA: Holy fuckiing 2hiit. II ju2t fiinii2hed readiing that.

TA: Holy fuckiing 2hiit.

TA: KK'2 dead.

TA: Holy fuckiing 2hiit.

TA: II diidn't even hear hii2 voiice iin the voiice2. II diidn't even hear him.

TA: My be2t fuckiing friiend and II diidn't even hear hii2 la2t word2.

AA: S0llux I'm s0rry.

AA: I really am. 0_0

TA: II diidn't hear KK.

TA: Maybe...

TA: Maybe he'2 not dead?

TA: Maybe...

AC: Pawlux, purrlease stop. You're just making me more sad :((

TA: Jegu2 II need FF.

TA: Where the hell i2 2he?

TA: II haven't 2een her 2iince thii2 2tarted...

caligulasAquarium is no longer an IDLE CHUMP!

CA: I Will Send Eridan Over To Her Hive Immediately. I Will Confirm The Situation At Her Hive.

TA: KN? What the hell are you doing on ED'2 hu2ktop?

CA: He Stopped Me In The Desert On The Way To Karkat's Hive.

gallowsCalibrator [GC] is no longer an IDLE CHUMP!

GC: 1'M GL4D H3 FOUND YOU.

GC: 4T L34ST...

GC 4T L34ST W3 H4V3'NT LOST 4NON3 3LS3.

TA: 2hiit, TZ

TA:IIf II'm takiing thii2 bad...

TA: Oh chrii2t.

TA: II'm 2o 2orry.

caligulasAquarium [CA] is now an IDLE CHUMP!

* * *

Kanaya turned away from the screen. She was still numb from the shock of it. Eridan crouched beside her.

"Fuck, Kan... I... I don't know what to say..."

Before she knew it, he was hugging her and she was sobbing into his shoulder.


	3. A Silent Clockwork (Prologue β)

**Two Years Later**

**The Edge Of Alternian Space** ( _Planet BE-813_ )

* * *

 

Dave gazed out the view port of the SS Skaiaborn, into the glimmering red rings surrounding BE-813. Usually planets this small didn't get rings. Of course, usually planets also didn't have a towering structure jutting for miles above the planet's surface. It wasn't unheard of. There was abandoned troll dwelling that stretched possibly even farther on another planet with a name stupidly full of numbers and letters. And BE-616 was interesting because the wreckage of one of these towers had appeared to be strangely... human in architecture.

Of course the rings were far from natural. They were made up of the wreckage of an entire Alternian invasion fleet. Even the Trolls steered clear of BE-813. Legend said that a demon lived on the planet. But when R&D found out that this planet held an intact tower with the same human architecture as on BE-616, they ordered the Skaiaborn to look into it, demon or no.

After all, monsters aren't real.

Right?

* * *

AUDIO LINK ESTABLISHED.

AUDIO RECORDING ENABLED.

BB: Little Bird, come in Little Bird. Are you in the nest?

LB: Nah, Big Bird, I'm ready to spread my wings and fly. Too bad your big puppet ass is too fat to join me.

BB: Roger. Cat-On-The-Branch, we are go for operation midafternoon snack.

COTB: Gosha

COTB: *gtocha

COTB: **chatgo

COTB: ***fcuk it.

Jade: Roxy, stop trying to eat Dave. Dirk, stop encouraging her!

Jade: I swear, no one else is taking this seriously!

John: Come on Jade! Lighten up! It's just a ground mission! No trolls or anything!

Jade: The trolls don't come near because of some kind of monster!

John: Jade, monsters aren't real!

Dave: I swear, Egbert. If we end up in a horror movie, you're gonna be the first to go. Or the last. Depending on the movie.

Dirk: Dude, seriously though. Quit fucking around and open the door.

Dave: Alright, I'm opening it...

Dave: Aaand, noth- HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!

Jade: Shit! Dave, what happened.

Dave: Dirk what the fuck. How. Why. Why would you do this?

Dirk: Dude, I'm not even down there.

Dave: Dirk. I am chest deep.

Dave: In.

Dave: Goddamn.

Dave: Smuppets.

Dirk: What.

Dave: I am surrounded by perky puppet proboscis. They are fucking everywhere.

Dave: Goddamn.

Dave: SMUPPETS.

 


	4. The Strangers

caligulasAquarium [CA] responded to A22HOLE ROLECALL EXTRAVAGANZA

CA: I'm wwalking on my wway to Fef's hive now.

TA: you mean 2wiimmiing, riight?

CA: No, I mean wwalking.

TA: FF liive2 underwater, dumba22.

CA: I FUCKIN' KNOWW, SOL.

TA: then why are you walkiing, ED?

CA: Cuz' I wwent hunting for Kan in broad daylight. 

CA: Contrary to popular fuckin' belief, I'm not a fuckin' Jadeblood.

CA: I am NOT lookin' forwward to swwimming in fuckin' saltwwater while covered in burns, lemme tell you!

TA: ehehehehehehe.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA]  is no longer an IDLE TROLL!

GA: I Am On My Way To Karkat's Hive As We Speak To See If Somehow He Might Have Survived.

GA: Is Everyone Accounted For?

AA: feferi still has yet t0 resp0nd t0 the mem0.

AA: i h0pe she resp0nds s00n.

AA: 0_0

CT: D--> The highb100d still has yet to respond

TA: That a22hole can go two hell.

CT: D--> Captor, there is no call for such STRONG language

TA: THAT A22HOLE II2 THE REA2ON AA II2 DEAD!!

CT: D--> Miss Megido has claimed more than once to be "0k" with her death. You need not be so upset lowb100d.

TA: and here come the hemoca2te 2lur2!!

TA: fuck thii2

TA: ii'm out.

twinArmageddons [TA] has left the memo!

CA: fuck.

CA: someone needs to tell Gam.

CT: D--> I will humbly v001unteer for this mission.

CA: Hell no.

CA: If he's in a cull-happy mood, you'll just fuckin' let him.

CA: I'll wwalk ovver to his hivve after I check on Fef.

* * *

 

unforgottenUranian [UU]  began CHEERING  twinArmageddons [TA]

UU: hello!

TA: oh god, not you agaiin

UU: well that's qUite impolite of yoU!

UU: I was jUst messaging yoU to say congratUlations!

TA: for what?

TA: lettiing my fuckiing friiend diie?

UU: what? no! I meant-

UU: oh. oh dear.

UU: not again. he changed my time window again, didn't he?

TA: ii 2tiill don't get any of thii2 2tupiid bull2hiit.

UU: he did indeed. 

UU: oh dear. I meant to message yoU later on.

UU: all I can really say now is

UU: i'm so very, very sorry.

UU: bUt don't give up! things will get better!

UU: I promise. ~uU

TA: iit'2 not liike ii'm goiing to giive up ju2t becau2e of KK dyiing.

UU: oh. yoU're not qUite to the next part yet.

UU: I'm so sorry.

ungorgottenUranian [UU]  ceased CHEERING  twinArmageddons [TA]!

TA: what do you mean, the next part?

* * *

 caligulasAquarium [CA] began TROLLING twinArmageddons [TA].

CA: Sol, I can't find Fef.

CA: holy shit

CA: I can't find her.

CA: shit shit shit

CA: I'm gonna go talk to Gl'bgolyb.

caligulasAquarium [CA] is now an IDLE TROLL!

* * *

 arachnidsGrip [AG] began TROLLING  ectoBiologist [EB]

AG: Joooooooohn!!!!!!!!

EB: hi Vriska!!!!!!!!

EB: what's up??

AG: ::::(

EB: oops, sorry!!!!!!!!

EB: ??????

AG: John th8t isn't wh8t i'm s8d a8out.

EB: Oh.

EB: what happened?

AG: remem8er th8t friend i told you a8out????????

AG: the one who hid his blood color?

EB: oh, the shouty guy? Carcat or something?

AG: K8rk8t, ye8h.

AG: he's de8d.

EB: oh.

EB: :(

AG: i me8n, don't get me wrong.

AG: we were never on th8t good of terms.

AG: but i didn't h8 him either.

AG: he was always 8ursting with energy.

AG: 8ut n8w h8s j8st g8ne.

AG: 8nd 8t r88lly h8t h8m8.

AG: 8 c8uld d8e 8t 8ny t8me.

EB: Vriska, you're a badass pir8!

EB: 8n't no way anyon'es taking you down that easily!

AG: well, ye8h, I'm a b8d8ss.

AG: 8ut k8rk8t w8sn't t88 sh888y 8ith8r.

AG: I me8n, he kicked g8mzee's 8ss when the rest of us w8re too sc8red to m8ve.

EB: the guy who tore off your arm????????

EB: so it was Karkat who did that?

AG: ye8h

AG: he w8s 8 8ad8ass t88.

AG: 8nd he g8t c8lled l8ke 8t w8s n8 8ig de8l.

AG: 8 th8ught my 8ad8ss sk8lls c8uld m8ke 8p f8r my d8sa8ility

AG: 8ut th8t w8sn't en8ugh t8 s8ve K8rk8t.

AG: s8 h8w c8n 8 b8 s8 s8r8 th8y w8n't j8st c8ll m8 t88!!!!!!!!????????

EB: Vriska, calm down!!!!!!!!

EB: All the eights are making my head hurt!

AG: ::::(

AG: I'm s8rry.

AG: It's j8st... wh8t 8f th8y c8ll me too?

EB: Vriska.

EB: I will not let that happen. no one is going to kill you.

EB: if you are in danger, just hide for a bit.

EB: let me know.

EB: and I swear to you.

EB: I will tear the entire alternian fleet to pieces until I reach you, destroying anything that gets in my way.

EB: do I make myself clear?

EB: no one will kill you. because if they do, i will hunt them across the stars

EB: and crush them.

EB: and then i will bring both you and them back to life, so that you can have a chance to kill them as well.

EB: <>

AG: hooooooooly shit

AG: Joooooooohn why c8n't you 8e this 8ad8ss 8ll the time????????!!!!!!!!

EB: because being angry makes mestart smashing things.

EB: my room is a mess.

EB: i just smashed like, 8 cakes.

EB: no joke.

AG: john you doooooooork!!!!!!!!

AG: :::D

AG: <>>>>>>>>!!!!!!!!


	5. Endings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> minor epilepsy warning - flashy green shit like Becsprite had in canon during the pesterlog between Jade and Caliborn

**Two Years After The Death Of Karkat Vantas**

 

Dave clawed his way out of the mound of smuppets. He was crying, and he couldn't tell if it was because of the trauma, the sheer hilarity of his situation, or the memories of his home in Texas suddenly invading his mind. 

Wait.

Never mind. All three of those were wrong.

The pile was filled with onions.

"welp."

* * *

 Dave was dumbfounded as he explored the tower. The lower floors were identical to his and Dirks old home in Texas, shitty sword-filled refrigerator and everything.

It was on what should have been the top floor that he found the computer - identical to his own, and password locked. He failed the first guess, but the hint given by the computer was"THE SOCK RUSE."

From there it wasn't that hard to figure out. Dave stared at the pesterlog filling the screen, trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

* * *

 

turntechGodhead [TG] began PESTERING turntechGodhead [TG]

TG: so this is a quick summary of where the hell you are for anyone who found this computer

TG: we decided to leave password - locked computers to inform people of the possible dangers of these planets

TG: for the most part, they're safe

TG: not this one, though

TG: this one has Jack

TG: and he probably already knows you're here

TG: ideally hephaestus can stall him long enough for you guys to get the fuck out of here

TG: in case you dont know jack is basically an omnicidal version of jades devilbeast

TG: only somewhere along the line he got a ton of other super dangerous abilities

TG: deadly unescapable red shit like you have no idea

TG: that stuff is like a fucking stalker kid who follows you from one country to another when you move to england

TG: and not in even a semi-endearing way either

TG: its like the presumably pervy dead kid wants to kill you and have his way with your corpse

TG: shit im rambling again

TG: listen point is your best bet to escape the red miles is to bail the fuck out right now before hephaestus has to spend time regenerating

TG: unless youre dave

TG: in which case your presence on this planet knocked hephaestus unconcious

TG: and you are so unbelievably fucked

TG: if anyone else is anywhere near LOHAC, get them to run the fuck away

TG: theres a sword in a captcha card in this laptops disc drive

TG: it wont let you win, but you might be able to stall jack long enough for your friends to get away

TG: maybe

TG: good luck man

turntechGodhead [TG] is now an IDLE CHUM!

* * *

 

DAVE STRIDER established AUDIO CONTACT with JADE HARLEY

Dave: listen harley you guys need to get the fuck out of here

Dave: theres a guy coming after us whos apparently as dangerous if not more dangerous than that stupid devilbeast of yours

Dave: just run

Dave: ill try to stall him

Jade: Dave we're not leaving you!

Dave: YOU DONT HAVE A CHOICE HARLEY

Dave: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WHILE YOU STILL CAN

Jade: We never leave anyone behind and we're not making an exception!

Dave: FUCK!

Jade: Stop getting so upset!

Dave: the asshole just broke my sword

Dave: harley get the fuck out of here, NOW

Jade: I won't leave you here!

Dave: just listen to me thi- huRRK

Jade: Dave? What just happened!?

Dave: holy...

Dave: holy fucking shit this hurts

Dave: i am literally bleeding out here.

Dave: I am like a leaky hose with water spraying out of it

Dave: only... with... you know

Dave: blood...

Jade: Dave, we'll send Jane down right away!

Dave: NO!

Dave: haven't you... been listening?

Jade: Shut up about us abandoning you!

Dave: fucking hell...

* * *

Jade gasped as she felt the ship lurch. It had left the planet. Without her approval.

Without Dave.

Rose's voice sounded over the comm to her. 

* * *

Rose: Jade, I was monitoring that conversation.

Rose: I told Roxy we had to leave immediately.

Rose: I am incredibly sorry. But Strider was already doomed. We got visual confirmation before we left. His wound was definitely fatal. Jane said not even she could do anything about it.

Rose: I'm sorry Jade. I really am.

* * *

Jade simply curled up in a ball and cried. She didn't know how long she held that position. But she did know when she broke it.

It was about when something moving at an incredibly high velocity smashed into the ship with a sickening crunch.

* * *

 

Karkat woke up to the impact of the ship smashing into something else.

"GODDAMMIT FEFERI! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE STEERING!"

"I was! I just piked a really bath time to look acray!"

Karkat opened his mouth to reply and then slammed it shut when he saw the telltale line of a fusion wrench slicing through the ship's hull. He reached into his strife specibus and pulled out his sickles, preparing to face down whatever hideous alien monstrosity was about to pry open his ship.

The door opened and he saw a human standing in front of him with strange pointy shades on his face that made him look like either an insufferable prick or a total nerd. Probably a bit of both.

Karkat charged the human, yelling, but the human vanished with a ridiculous speed reminiscent of the time he had fought Gamzee.

He felt something slam into the back of his head and he lost consciousness.

* * *

 

unforgivenUmbrage [uu] began JEERING  gardenGnostic [GG]

uu: QUIT YOUR WHINING FUCKASS

uu: HONESTLY

uu: YOU ARE THE MOST PATHETIC JADE HARLEY IVE EVER MET

uu: AND IVE MET A **LOT** OF JADE HARLEYS

GG: go away uu! I really don't want to deal with your crap right now!

uu: HAHAHAHAHA

uu: THATS FUNNY

uu: YOU THINK YOUVE GOT IT BAD BECAUSE YOUR BOYFRIEND DIED?

uu: HES NOT DOUBLE DEAD OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT

GG: stop talking!

gardenGnostic [GG] BLOCKED  unforgivenUmbrage [uu]

* * *

 

unforgivenUmbrage [uu] began JEERING  gardenGnostic [GG]

uu: THATS FUNNY

uu: YOU THINK YOU CAN BLOCK ME

uu: BUT HOW CAN YOU AVOID ME...

uu: WHEN IM ALREADY HERE!

gardenGnostic [GG] BLOCKED  unforgivenUmbrage [uu] 

* * *

 

unforgivenUmbrage [uu] began JEERING  gardenGnostic [GG]

uu: JEGUS YOURE RUDE

uu: LISTEN I JUST WANT TO TALK OKAY

GG: you're making fun of me for Dave dying!

uu: I DID NO SUCH THING

GG: yes you did! >:(

uu: NO I DID NOT

uu: STUPID HUMAN

GG: you just called me stupid! of course you're making fun of me!!!

GG: >:(

uu: WHAT

uu: AM I?

GG: did you even read what you just wrote!?

uu: UM

uu: YES

uu: DEFINITELY

GG: then how are you not being a jerk!!??

uu: UM

uu: FUCK YOU!

uu: I DONT HAVE TO JUSTIFY MYSELF TO YOU!

uu: tumut

unforgivenUmbrage [uu] BLOCKED gardenGnostic [GG]

* * *

 

unforgivenUmbrage [uu] UNBLOCKED gardenGnostic [GG]

uu: HEY

uu: UM

uu: IVE HAD SOME TIME TO COOL DOWN

uu: SORRY

uu: I

uu: UM

uu: I GET ANGRY EASY

uu: AND IM SORRY FOR SAYING MEAN THINGS

uu: IM KIND OF NEW TO THE WHOLE BUSINESS OF BEING A GOOD GUY

uu: AND

uu: UM

uu: IM NOT THAT GOOD AT

uu: UM

uu: LEARNING NEW THINGS

uu: SORRY

GG: wow, you sure changed your tune!!

uu: SHUT THE FUCK UP

uu: LISTEN

uu: I MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP YOU FEEL BETTER

uu: ABOUT STRIDER

uu: YOU SEE

uu: THE TRUTH IS

uu:

uu: GODDAMMIT

uu: LOOKS LIKE NO SPOILERS ALLOWED

uu: SORRY

uu: STUPID FUCKING DOG

uu: OH WELL

uu: YOULL FIND OUT EVENTUALLY

uu: ANYWAY DONT YOU HAVE SOME VISITORS TO GREET?

GG: visitors?

uu: WHAT DO YOU THINK CRASHED INTO YOUR SHIP, GENIUS?

uu: GO MEET THOSE TROLLS

uu: HAVE TROLL - HUMAN SLOPPY MAKEOUTS

uu: THAT IS WHAT YOU PEOPLE DO RIGHT

GG: eww, noooo!!! why would I kiss an alien!?

uu: HUH

uu: REALLY?

uu: LEMME TELL YOU ABOUT HALF OF THE JADE HARLEYS IVE MET HAD NO PROBLEM WITH TROLLS

GG: i hate trolls!! we're at war with them you know!

GG: and theyve got that stupid weird and gross romance system!!

GG: i mean, polygamy?? REALLY!!??

uu: HUH

uu: HOLY SHIT

uu: I THOUGHT EVERYONE WAS LIKE MY SISTER

uu: AND COMPLETELY OBSESSED WITH TROLL ROMANCE

uu: IVE CHANGED MY MIND

uu: I MAY HAVE MET A TON OF OTHER JADE HARLEYS

uu: BUT YOU ARE THE BEST

uu: ITS YOU

unforgivenUmbrage [uu] ceased JEERING gardenGnostic [GG]


	6. Lost (and Found) (Chapter α Final)

caliguasAquarium [CA] started memo HEIRESS HUNT on board FRUITY ASSHOLE RUMPUS FEST!

CA: wwell, I just finished talkin' to the damn squid.

CA: and I have good newws an' bad newws

twinArmageddons [TA] responded to the memo!

TA: ED, iim runniing out of patiience here.

TA: JU2T TELL ME WHERE MY FUCKIING MOIIRAIIL II2

CA: im gettin' to that Sol

CA: the good newws is, wwe aren't gonna be glubbed to death

CA: and Fef isn't dead.

CA: yet.

CA: The bad newws is, she wwas taken off planet by some ship

TA: what. why?

TA: fuckiing hell, don't tell me the Conde2ce i2 haviing her 2hiipped iin early to kiill

CA: honestly, if I had to guess, their plan is to take her as far from Troll Space as possible

CA: that wway they can kill her wwithout Gl'bgolyb makin' a fuss. wwhat the squid cant sense cant piss it off.

centaursTesticle [CT] responded to the memo!

CT: D--> Well

CT: D--> Fiddlesti%

CA: wwe do have a chance though.

CA: judging by the speed that ship was movvin' at, I doubt it has a helmsman

TA: holy 2hit. ii know what you're thiinkiing and no

CA: sol, wwe don't havve time to argue

TA: II'M NOT GOIING TWO BE A FUCKIING HELMSMAN ED

TA: FUCK NO

TA: HELL

TA: FUCKIING

TA: NO

CA: i wwasnt goin' to ask you to, sol.

CA: Eq, howw soon can you build us a ship capable of interfacin' wwith that pet project of yours

CT: D--> I have no idea what you are talking about. What pet project?

CA: honestly Eq, you approach me for an experimental part meant to trap souls and assume I wwont connect the dots?

TA: what the fuck are you two talkiing about

apocalypseArisen [AA]  responded to the memo!

AA: s0llux it isn't  that hard to figure 0ut.

AA: they plan t0 use me t0 p0wer the ship

AA: am i right?

AA: 0_0

CT: D--> Um...

CT: D--> Well...

CT: D--> Fiddlesti% I need a towel

arsenicCatnip [AC] responded to the memo!

AC: XOO< EQUIUS!!!

AC: :OO< why would you do something like that!!?

CT: D--> Please, I can explain

AA: there isnt much t0 explain

AA: y0u simply wanted to take advantage 0f a l0wbl00d

AA: as usual

TA: fuck, EQ, ii knew you were messed up, but...

CT: D--> Please just

arachnidsGrip [AG] responded to the memo!

AG: w8, are we all just calling equis a scum8ag for no reason now?

TA: spiiderbitch, at lea2t try to know why you're iin2ultiing 2omeone

adiosToreador [AT] responded to the memo!

AT: i AM, uM, vERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, uM, eQUIUS.

AT: }:(

CT: W001d everyone please

AG: woooooooow equius!!!!!!!!

AG: I didn't know you could 8e that scummy!

CT: D--> SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

centaursTesticle's [CT's] husktop has been PUNCHED THROUGH THE SCREEN!

CA: wwoww, you guys didnt evven givve him a chance to talk

AA: was there anything t0 talk ab0ut

CA: wwell yeah, givven that it wwas MY idea to use his project as a helmsman interface

CA: that wwasnt exactly his original purpose wwith it

TA: ....

AA: 0_0

AC: :3?

centaursTesticle [CT] has responded to the memo!

CT: D--> There we go

CT: D--> Thank you seadweller

CT: D--> Now then

CT: D--> My purpose with the s001 trapping device

CT: D--> Was to build Miss Megido a new robotic body, seeing as she had lost her old one.

AA: that is n0nsense

AA: why w0uld y0u d0 s0mething like that f0r a "l0wbl00d"

CA: OH FOR FUCKS SAKES

CA: hes flushed for you

CA: is it REALLY that hard to fuckin' see!?

AA: 0_0

AA: eguius is this true

CT: D--> ...Yes

AA: 0_0

apocalypseArisen [AA]  has left the memo!

TA: um

TA: well then

AG: aaaaaaaawkwaaaaaaaard

CT: D--> In response to your request Ampora, it will take appro%imately half a sweep to build a ship of appropriate size

CT: D--> That is, of course, assuming you can acquire materials to build the ship

CA: it'll be i bit risky to get all the materials myself

CA: i mean, no one'll bat an eyelash at me buyin' a weapons system

CA: but nabbin' a life support system? that'll take some tact.

AT: i, MAY, UM, KNOW WHERE WE CAN FIND ONE

AG: ::::O

AG: holy shit, toreadumb is being useful!!!!!!!!

CA: is it close by Tavv?

AT:  uM, ITS NOT THE LOCATION, UM, SO MUCH AS THE PERSON WHO, UM, HAS IT

TA: fuck. lemme guess

CA: its Gamz, isn't it. its at the home of the fuckin' psycho clown isnt it.

AT: uM, YES, THAT IS, UM, WHERE IT IS

CA: wwell, i wwas plannin' on poppin' ovver there anywway. no point in stallin' on tellin' him about Kar's death.

CA: i mean, if wwe stall he'll probably go nuts and cull us all anywway.

caligulasAquarium [CA] has left the memo!

 

* * *

Eridan walked towards Gamzee's hive, grateful that the sun had finally set. He double checked his Sylladex and Strife Specibus. He had Ahab's Crosshairs on hand, and he had crammed his Sylladex full of so many smoke pellets that a simple ejection would be enough to fill an entire hive with smoke. Eridan wasn't planning on absconding unless things got real bad, but it always payed to be prepared.

He reached Gamzee's door, and slowly reached out to knock it. The door creaked open as he knocked on it. the hive was pitch-black, and honking echoed in the distance. Eridan stepped across the threshold and the darkness swallowed him up.

*HONK*

* * *

 

*honk*

*HONK*

gamzee gave a smile as he watched this MOTHERFUCKIN' HERETIC ALL UP AND ENTERING HIS HIVE

*honk*

*HONK*

he all up and focused his ANCESTRAL CHUCKLEVOODOOS TO FRY THE POOR WRIGGLERS MOTHERFUCKING THINKPAN

*honk*

*HONK*

gamzee grinned as the scum gave a shudder , turned towards him and OHMOTHERFUCKTHATSALAZERBEAM

* * *

 

Eridan sighed as his beam shot past the Capricorn.

"Look, Gam, wwe can do this the easy wway or the hard wway."

*honk*

Eridan drew in a sharp breath as Gamzee reached from behind him (when did the damn murderclown get behind him!?) and wrapped a whip around his throat. He knew damn well the corpse the whip was from, and he wasn't about to be joining her. Eridan pulled a harpoon out of his sylladex, slicing the whip and rapidly recaptchaloguing the weapon so Gamzee couldn't get his hands on it. He quickly reached behind him, flinging the indigo over his shoulder and-

*HONK*

-Vriska's severed arm hit the ground in front of him, still bleeding fresh. Had Gamzee been keeping the fucking thing refrigerated? Eridan yelled into the shadows, preparing himself for the next attack.

"Listen, Gam, I'm just here to fuckin' talk-"

*honk*

-the clown's hands were around his throat as he growled,

"i told you motherfuckers not to come back. I MOTHERFUCKING WARNED YOU THAT I WOULD KILL YOU ON SIGHT. but you didn't motherfucking listen. SO NOW. i'm gonna motherfucking. MAKE YOU KNEE- *COUGHHACKCOUGH*"

Eridan grinned as the clown released his grip, falling to his knees. Gamzee simply convulsed on the ground for a bit, trying to hack out the smoke from the pellets that the Fishtroll had just launched down his roaring throat by captchaloguing Vriska's severed arm.

* * *

 

GAMZEE WAS ALL UP AND GETTING HIS RIGHTEOUS FURY ON

who did this motherfucker think he was

TELLING HIM WHO TO UP AND LISTEN TO

and not just lying down and letting gamzee cull him like a reasonable troll would

WHAT A MOTHERFUCKING HERETIC

gamzee glared as the  MOTHERFUCKING HERETIC

opened his mouth, spewing out SOME STUPID ASS MOTHEERFUCKING NOISE ABOUT THRESHECUTIONERS AND LIFE SUPPORT SYSTEMS

but then one phrase cut through the sheets of anger LIKE A RIGHTOUS MMOTHERFUCKING KNIFE

"Kar's dead."

the righteous anger all up AND DISSOLVED INTO THE AIR AS THE WORLD SHATTERED INTO A BiLlIoN mOtHeRfUcKiNg FrAgMeNtS

*hOnK*

*HoNk*

*hOnK*

*HoNk*

*hOnK*

*HoNk*

* * *

 

caligulasAquarium [CA] opened memo SUPER SPACESHIP STAR BLAST on board FRUITY ASSHOLE RUMPUS FEST

CA:  wwell, Gam just collapsed in a fuckin' stupor

CA: pretty sure itll take him a wwhile to recovver

CA: wwhat exactly am I lookin' for Eq?

adiosToreador [AT] responded to the memo!

AT: uM, THE LAST i SAW, IT WAS, UM, ON THE SECOND FLOOR

AT: iT LOOKS, UM, A LOT LIKE A RECOOPERACOON

AT: oNLY WITH, UM, A LOT OF BUTTONS

CA: Got it.

CA: Does it look like this?

AT: uM, YES, THAT IS IT

terminallyCapricous [TC]  responded to the memo!

TC: wOaH bRoS

TC: WhAt ThE mOtHeRfUcK iS hApPeNnInG?

CA: coddammit. Do you seriously not remember a thing?

TC: bRoThEr, LaSt ThInG i CaN aLl Up AnD rEcAlL iS mY tAvBrO gEtTiNg AlL bAnGeD uP

TC: AnD tHeN i AlL uP aNd GoT mY RIGHTOUS FURY ON

TC: motherfuck i need a pie

TC: I CAN FEEL HIS VOICE ALL UP AND SCREAMING IN MY THINKPAN

TC: gets kinda motherfucking annoying

TC: BUT MOTHERFUCK, KARBRO TOLD ME NOT TO BE EATING ANY MORE OF MY PIE

TC: maybe ill go all up and get my talk on with him

TC: HONK

TC: :o|

terminallyCapricous [TC] is now an idle troll!

CA: wwhat the shit

AT: uM, i AM, KIND OF, UM, CONFUSED AS WELL

terminallyCapricous [TC] is no longer an idle troll!

TC: HES NOT MOTHERFUCKING RESPONDING

TC: where the motherfuck is he?

TC: WHY ISN'T THERE ANY MOTHERFUCKING LIGHT UP IN MY HIVE

TC: and where did all this motherfucking paint come

TC: SOME MOTHERFUCKER BETTER UP AND MOTHERFUCKING TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED WHILE I WAS MOTHERFUCKING OUT

AT: uM, gAMZEE, YOUVE BEEN "OUT" FOR, UM

AT: aBOUT, UM, A SWEEP AND A HALF

TC: what the motherfuck?

CA: "out" isnt exactly the wway id put it

CA: essentially, you'vve been a murder - happy psycho clowwn that Kar could barely keep in line for the past swweep and a half

TC: WHAT THE MOTHERFUCK?

TC: brother, please tell me that this paint isn't all up and being one of my friends' blood

TC: WELL

TC: aren't you motherfuckers going to tell me where this red paint came from

adiosToreador [AT] absconded from the conversation!

CA: tavv are you gonna - 

CA: fuck

CA: i guess its dowwn to me then

CA: Gam, i happen to be in your hivve right noww. come upstairs to me and ill try my fuckin' best to inform you of everythin' that happened

TC: MOTHERFUCKER ILL BE RIGHT THERE

TC: honk

terminallyCapricous [TC]  has left the memo!

* * *

 

**Half a Sweep Later**

The _SS Rainbow Rumpus Party_ (name courtesy of Terezi) jumped to the coordinates of the ship it was hunting. Eridan stared out the viewport.

"Holy fuckin' shit. The rings are broken spaceships. Howw the hell are wwe supposed to find them in this?"

"We don't have to. The readings from the ship show it on the planet's surface," replied the robot plugged into the bridge.

"Alright then. Lets get dowwn there. Sol, Rezi, Gam, you guys are comin' wwith me to the surface."

"Damn thrait," the psionic replied.

"i MoThErFuCkInG gOt YoU pAlEbRo," said Gamzee.

Terezi simply cackled, leaning on her cane. That was almost all she did now. Just cackle. Like a broken fuckin' record.

* * *

 

Eridan first noticed Terezi's growing scowl as they approached the landing site. Maybe she would talk again once she had her revenge. Who knew. Gamzee was becoming increasingly frenzied. Good. He fuckin' needed his moirail in peak fighting condition. Sollux simply stalked on with the same dogged determination. He had been that way since the day Feferi disappeared. Determined to find her again, and certain he would. The Aquarius was envious of his certainty.

Eridan's heart stopped as he saw the smoke in the distance. the ship had crashed. Of course it had crashed. No ship stopped on LOHAC of its own free will. Were the crew and passenger both dead? Had they come so far, risked culling, and begun a guerrilla rebellion for THIS!? No revenge, no rescue? Just a fucking ACCIDENT SCENE!?

Terezi was the first to cry out. A combination of anger and despair wound up into one cry shattered the stillness of the planet. She spoke, too, angry words spewing from her mouth.

"OF COURSE THIS IS WHAT WE GET! No justice, no revenge, no fucking CLOSURE! Just THIS!!" 

She punched the piece of still - smoking wreckage. crying into the heated air.

 

And then all hell broke loose.

* * *

 

The demon came out of nowhere. Just a flash of green light, and it was in the midst of them. There was a spray of indigo blood as it drove a sword through Gamzee's chest, but the clown ignored the wound, flashstepping behind the demon and bringing down his club on what was suddenly empty air.

The two engaged in a futile battle for what seemed like years, Gamzee failing to damage the demon, but still seemingly uninjured himself. The rest of the landing crew were afraid of hurting their ally if they joined in the fight, so they simply looked on. Suddenly, another flashstepping form entered the fray, resolving every few seconds into the form of a human to slice at the demon with a broken sword.

To be perfectly honest, no one in the battle had any fucking clue what was going on, or who these other douchebags were.

* * *

 

Dave cursed again at the devilbeast's ability to dodge his sword strikes. That card that had been in the laptop's disc drive was equally useless. just a glowy, broken sword. Some legendary piece of shit. Dave still had no clue how he was alive again, having simply woken up on some slab inscribed with a gear in some dorky red pajamas. But he wasn't exactly questioning it. If some random cosmic force had decided, "hey that dave guy looks kinda cool lets give him a second chance" he wasn't going to question it.

Finally, he lodged his sword in flesh, with a rewarding spray of - shit, wait, that was just the clown troll again. That guy seemed to be fucking immortal or something. Dave cringed as his sword was pulled from his grasp, finally equipping the new sword to his strife specibus.

"Caledfwlch."

" **Cal** edfwlch."

The damn puppet had his claws in everything!

Dave's eyes widened. the sword was whole again. Had that happened when he spoke its name?

He had to admit, that was a pretty fucking cool feature.

He swung the blade at the devilbeast and watched as it shattered against its sword like a piece of glass.

Scratch that. "The grow the sword back" feature was completely fucking useless.

The point of the sword spun around in the air, bounced off of a gear spinning high above the battle and soared off into the distance.

Aaaand cue the facepalm x2 combo.

* * *

 

"Holy thit, that wath tho fucking thtupid." Sollux laughed.

Eridan's eyes simply followed the trajectory of the blade fragment.

"wwait for it..."

 

* * *

Dave grimaced at "Jack's" dodging prowess. He was never going to kill this asshole. The juggalo was pretty useless now, gripped around the neck by two tentacles extending from the devilbeast's sides.

And then something silver and gleaming flashed by, cleaving both of the tentacles in two.

 

* * *

"holy thit"

"wwait for it..."

* * *

 

Dave's jaw dropped as the broken point of the sword was bounced and propelled off yet another gear and slashed through both of the devilbeast's wings, causing it to drop from the air and into the lava below. There was a flash of green light as he vanished.

Best.

Weapon.

Ever.

 

"i totally meant to do that"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand the prologue piece is done!  
> Hopefully I can start the main "teamswapped" fic soon!  
> Thanks for all of the kind comments and support!

**Author's Note:**

> In case you guys missed it, I added some stuff to the end of the previous chapter.  
> One more to go before we can finally get this prologue piece over with!  
> Then things will get interesting.
> 
> Not sure I like how the conversations turned out in this chapter. I'll probably end up editing them later on.
> 
> So what do you guys think so far? Comments are always welcome!


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